Concept of self

I was inspired to deep dive into some self-concept work this morning, after listening to Maisie Hill’s podcast on just the thing. And I was blown away by what I thought I thought of myself. How so many of the thoughts I have about myself aren’t actually my own but are planted there by others. - whether that be friends, family, partners or, of course, goddamn society.

I haven’t trusted my own instincts for a while. I have instead overridden my intuition because of these outsourced messages I’ve received. I’ve gobbled them up, because perhaps if I lean into these beliefs, I will be accepted. I will be safe.

I scribbled down the question ‘What do I think of myself?’ and then was amazed at what followed. Beliefs I’ve held onto for years, some even a lifetime, and then explored where each of those beliefs came from.

The ones I list here are what I wanted to challenge. As they stared back at me from the page they didn’t seem to quite fit. They didn’t feel in sync with who I am now. And perhaps once upon a time I was quite willing to slap on these labels for the world to see. But now it feels like I’m wearing a name tag that isn’t bearing my own name. These are thoughts that I have leant into. Why? Perhaps because I didn’t know my own voice. Perhaps because I couldn’t hear my own intuition. But now it all feels very quiet and I am ready to dig into each one of these.

I bare my soul to you now, reader. Below are the most vulnerable parts of me that I’ve hidden beneath layers of shame. Some may not seem so bad to you, but these are the things that I shield from others – these are my weaknesses.

Belief 1: I will never be thin enough

I am sure so many can relate to this – whether it’s about specifically being thin or just achieving unattainable beauty standards. The societal pressures that are forced down our throats from such a young age and repeated like a mantra throughout our lives are exactly why so many of us have digested and still desperately struggle with these beliefs: Fat on our bodies is not good. Fat is unattractive. And, as women, we are raised to believe that our main aspiration in life is to attract the best possible partner. And the thinner we are [and the closer our body shape is to the current body trend] the higher the chance of us being chosen.

I refuse this ideal completely. I refuse to sit around and wait to be chosen. I refuse to treat my body like she is a prize for others to claim. I choose myself. Every time.

Belief 2: I am nurturing

After a recent break-up, I realised I have a toxic pattern of taking on the responsibility in my relationships. As far as I had seen it, I take good care of myself, and if I’m living with someone, that care naturally extends to them. Whether that’s cleaning the home because I want to live in a clean space or planning and cooking dinners because I want to eat well. And this results in my partners putting their feet up and turning me into their mother. I am complicit in this warped act. I enable this complacency. It is a pattern I have repeated, and I end up wondering why I have this twisted dynamic in each relationship.

I discussed this with a close friend and said I no longer wanted to be nurturing. She reiterated that I am nurturing, that it’s just a part of who I am. And that this isn’t something to feel shame for, or to feel like less of a feminist. This is a beautiful thing and it’s how I show love. But it feels like a part of me that I want to keep hidden. A part that has been exposed and then taken advantage of time and again. So, yes, perhaps I am nurturing. But now I choose to only keep that part of me for those that truly deserve to see it.

Belief 3: I am too sensitive

Am I sensitive? Or does the societal pressures for men to be emotionally unavailable leave me with tears flowing down my cheeks, not from sensitivity but from outright frustration at their inability to communicate?

Am I sensitive or have the people I’ve been with been so ill equipped to handle conflict due to their societal need to unknowingly engage in toxic masculinity?

Am I sensitive or is it that a difficult conversation makes these people so uncomfortable that they must shut it down immediately?

Am I sensitive or are those words thrown over their shoulder as they walk away from me a stonewalling effect to keep them from being hurt?

So, no. I am not too sensitive. My empathy is what allows me to connect so deeply with so many people. This belief will no longer be a part of my make up, and I choose to no longer engage in relationships with people that cannot demonstrate the empathy that I treasure.

Belief 4: I am a people-pleaser

Women are there to serve others and if we aren’t pleasing others then we just aren’t doing our job. Right? The doting mother, the loving wife. That’s what we’re here for, isn’t it? Growing up we are rewarded for how we make others feel. So why the fuck have I not been raised to consider how I’m feeling?

I don't deny that I want people to like me. It is human nature to want to be ‘liked’ or ‘included’. We are pack animals. Our caveman-brains know that there is safety in numbers: the bigger the tribe, the safer we are. Wanting to be liked isn’t necessarily about being a people-pleaser, it’s about wanting to be safe. I refuse to go out of my way or put myself through discomfort just to please someone else.

It is a difficult belief to shake and although I still find myself time and again prioritising other’s emotions above my own, I am noticing it and acknowledging it. I am building my strength to refuse and repel this belief and have decided it will not be coming with me. Boy, bye.

Belief 5: I am a planner

I actually love spontaneity. I love doing something last minute and unexpected. I find it thrilling and energising.

However, I am good at planning. Scrap that, I am GREAT at planning. Need a party organising? I'll throw you the best fucking party with love poured into every intimate detail. Need to get a project across the line? Let me send you a template that I’ve already created.

I’ve realised over the last couple of years how grounding routine is for me; to create and stick to habits which build the life I envision. I then restricted myself to that routine so tightly that if something was outside of the pre-organised ‘plan’ I would feel out of sorts. I would be unable to catch up with myself.

Recently shifting to living on my own again has opened my eyes to a new realisation: the unpaid mental and physical labour required of looking after a partner who can’t look after themselves DID restrict me from doing anything out of routine. I just did not have the energy for it. Sometimes a large shift in our life results in the reassessment of everything else. A ripple effect.

I’ve reassessed. I’ve explored who I was, who I thought I was, and who it is that I am deep down. Turns out, I’m a fucking riot. “If it’s not in the diary, I’m not coming” is no longer the life I choose to lead.

When I envision my life in six months, 5 years, 10 years, I’m living a life of peace with a trust in my intuition so profound that I know exactly who I am and what I want. And just because you may have thoughts or beliefs about me, does not mean I have to accept them.

And for the things that I do believe about myself? The strengths that I choose to take forward with me? Those are some of the things you’ll learn about me along the way, if you’re lucky enough to join me in this story.